I have a secret, as a writer. I don't think it means as much to me as other people.
When I read my writing about writing, it looks like everyone else's - I say all the right things; that my characters guide me; that I don't take credit for it, only a conduit for something outside myself; the passion appears to be there. And I *am* passionate - at least, inside my own head. But I lack some of the dedication I see in other writers. I'm not as emotionally wrapped up in the relationships I create. I'm frankly old, to be coming at this gig - where was my interest and drive, twenty years ago ... or even just ten? There's a lot about my I'm Going To Be A Published Author that - as much as I am confident in my work ... and as much as I genuinely love it - I look at from the perspective of "everybody else" and it just seems so lacking. I'm a fraud - surely my need is not enough, for me to be blasting around my hot air about making a go of this. Surely, since I don't consider myself an artist, since I don't bleed fountain pen ink (or toner particles ... or pixels ... *erm*), I am unworthy to be taking up space all the almost worshipfully-inspired should occupy ... ?
And yet. And yet.
I'm a good writer. I *love* reading my work. It's engaging, it's believable, it moves. It's about interesting people doing interesting things, and it's hung together with a nice rhythm and texture of language. And I love IT. I really do.
But still ... what a poseur. What a dilettante. And - seriously (and above all) - what a hoary old broad, thinking she's going to just bump into the publishing party and crash it like a Hot New Author at middle age ...
But, but, but - nothing says I can't produce. I've got one completed novel, the second in the works, and the third waiting politely but fully conceived and ready to take its turn. There will be more. I may be in my forties, but that doesn't necessarily mean an abbreviated career - some of my family have been nicely long-lived and healthy. An agent could get a generation's span of novels out of me. Given that my lack of schmoop about writing as work - and my desire to sell, therefore willingness to act like it's a profession - there are advantages to these things I see as shortcomings ...
3 hours ago