Alone

For years, not having my partner has been a source of frustration. With knowing, but not "having" someone I waited 35 years to know, and whom I had prepared for. With being alone.

I'm independent, and proud of that fact.

But that fact leaves me vulnerable. Ultimately - utterly - vulnerable.

There will be noone to care for me. There will be nothing but my own resources. I have done well. I'm not convinced it will be well ... enough.

For fifteen years or so I have sufficed on myself.

The older I get, the more that frightens me.



I'm not angry at G-d because I can't have my toy. Not anymore.

I'm scared of death.

Or worse. The road to it.