Astoundishment

The older I get, the more private I want to be - which is why, for the past month and a half, I haven't really been posting about my life.  The week after Siddy had her last visit to the vet, I was in a car accident.  I'm okay, but the fallout from that has been less than a gas.  The judge, when I went before him not so long ago, was good enough to pretty much scoff visibly that I'd been charged with reckless, and that was knocked down very significantly - but it's still no fun, particularly having been the victim in another accident only six months ago.

Shortly after all this, I got a call from the doctor, telling me I needed to come in for a follow up from what are usually boring exams.  This is, necessarily, scary as crap.

At the time, I chose to tell nobody but X.  I know I can trust him; I am sick of being the source of worry and drama for my mom in particular, and I am REALLY sick of having too many things to point out about my personal life, at work.  From a person who, in my twenties, probably would have milked any one of these terrible things for attention, I've become ... well.  An actual grownup - of sorts, anyway.

***

An interesting side effect of not instantaneously broadcasting each and every detail of my life is that, oddly enough, people don't know what is going on with me.  I have backfilled a few people in on the cancer scare, in particular (waiting until afterward, with my mom and my brother both, made for far more gratifying conversations than we otherwise might have had during that week), and at least one reaction has been, "Why didn't you call me?"

Well.  Because my friends and family are so generous as it is, I have felt enough like a vampire with them that to do so was anathema.  And what would calling have done, anyway?  Just more sponging.

X was more than there enough for that, and I am grateful he is a person I can share things like this with and not feel I'm sucking life away.  It's hardly the first major malfunction he's helped me deal with this year - or in the past ten - and it was enough to get me through those days.

***

Even so ... stress levels have been, with all these things, I think understandably pretty damned high.  I'm regulating now, but have been doing so via a concentrated campaign of strategic time off of work, some calculated *accomplishments* at work, pouring a lot of energy into revisions - which has been incredibly rewarding - and letting time pass, as it is wont to do.  Gossamer, too, bless his buttery-soft little fuzzy bum, has been doing all he can to take care of me.

So yesterday, when it was time to finally go pay the bill and pick up the cremains of my dear beloved Sid-oh-knee, I expected it to be sad - but I did not expect to \burst into tears in front of everyone in the waiting room at the vet.

But the dear little old lady who came in with her dear, curly old dog, called him "Monkey" affectionately (and his real name was Brian - which is almost unbearably awesome).  And right at that moment, the employee of the office came out of the back with the urn - and everyone recognized what it was - and looked at me all "aww"  - and someone said, "Oh, I am so sorry" and the technician or assistant hugged me.

I took my baby girl's earthly remains in my arms, and burst into tears.  She was SO good, and I never was quite worthy of her, best girl.

Goss has been so unbelievably loving this week.  Today we dozed, and he slept on my collarbone, up under my chin.  It was warm and sweet on a rainy day.  He's curled up next to my knee as I type now.

What I ever could have done to deserve the love of the people *and* animals who've loved me, I sure don't know, but I live to live up to it, and hopefully almost even earn it.

***


The rain is falling against the windows, and I am safe and blessed and warm in a beautiful home I can call my own.  Health is mine, and that is amazing.  The house is clean, and I am indulging an immensely relaxing day.  It is dark, and the season tips toward a new one gracefully.  Erick may not be nearby - but what I have is still more than most can count as their own.  Not least - in those people who put up with me ... and have taught me not to be a yipping hysteric about everything in my life.  I'm so grateful for their love, and that they do care.

Peace be with all of you.  Lord.  It is night.