Smooth, ensconsed, and safe. Comfortable. Desolate. Warm.
Oppressive.
Deserted. Alone. Imprisoned.
Hungry.
Wanted … crunch, and edge, and contrast, and cold. Wanted … out.
No chink to pry. No way to gnaw out.
The urgency was physical.
Kick. Strain. Peck. Hours, it took; eternity.
Jettisoned.
Blue sky. It was terrifying.
Most beautiful thing in the world – the whole world: outside the egg.
Okay.
Now that the contest is over and Nate Wilson ran OFF with it (and sightly ro), I want to ask about this story, and whether it works.
Given Lilac's comment on it the other day, I wonder whether a clue is necessary: that what was breaking out of this egg was monstrous. I hoped the harshness of some of the words I chose pointed that way, but that would not be so much "beautiful"as horrifying.
With a 100 word limit, this clocks in at a mere 62, but I felt no desire to add to this piece. Does it need more heft? Does it creep anyone out, or does it just read like a wee little bird fighting to find the world?
I would LOVE to hear from y'all, and not just Reiders! Many thanks to anyone who might share your opinions.
5 comments:
That's beautiful, Diane!
Hmmm, I'd say thank you but actually I was going for horror. Now I wonder whether it was effective!
Well, I found it lyrical. Not horror/scary at all. I would have figured out it was about a winged creature (I simply thought bird - oh well), but in a way - wouldn't it have been cool for it to be a DRAGON!
You could have done this:
"Most beautiful thing in the world – the whole world: outside the egg." Until it breathed fire.
:)
But. In all those beautiful words - it, IMO, was like I said. Lyrical.
It is so funny, writing this I was thinking of pointy words, dark words - crunch, contrast, cold. I wanted "imprisoned" and "it was terrifying" to be the clues, and for that final line to read as dangerous - this hungry, imprisoned thing; jettisoned, breaking out, the whole beautiful world its feeding ground.
Still, your and Lilac's feedback is hardly hurtful! :)
This, I suppose, is what we call an interesting failure.
Oh, and - as for what the creature was - I was thinking of the Roc, the ancient mythological gigantic bird monster (first painting above).
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