With X as far away as he is ... even having a beautiful home, the best dog in the history of ever, some family - and a job I love ... it is hard, sometimes, not to wish this part would give way to the part where he and I are not so vastly separated. I realize, he's hardly the first example of this. All my life, I have spent waiting for the "next part".
An interesting aspect of this is the way it reflects the incredible sense of entitlement and expectation of my culture. I grew up in a United States in which, by virtue of my birth and education, I presumed it was my right to reach a certain level of socio-economic success. Heck, it wasn't even so clear a thing as a "right" - it was just this manifest destined given; the spoken *and* implicit evolutionary presumption of American development: and of my middle class echelon.
The eighties didn't help - nor did the dents in the economy we took with trickle-down and in the 90s. I simply assumed - for YEARS - I was "paying my dues" and the day was coming I would be more than comfortable.
As it turns out: I am. But not because I deserve it "more" - and certainly not because I worked hard for it, for a long time. I learned how, yes. I've become a highly accomplished and responsible grownup (even if I refuse to "mature"). But it took *many* years, and is even still a developing tendency. In my nature, I am an underachiever.
But my refusal to depend on someone else (on a man - or, as much as possible, on my parent(s)) made it an inevitability; I had to sink or swim. There were no other options; and I found that sinking caused dependencies I turned out to be unfit to tolerate. So I had to swim. And I was probably past thirty before I really learned much about how to do this very well.
So, a late bloomer. The desserts of the kind of entitlement I grew up permeated with.
As proud as I am of the life I've been put in stewardship to live: I still don't feel I deserve my comfort and success. Even knowing how many people would pooh-pooh just how "successful" I call myself (she doesn't even have a smart phone - or cable - or a DVR - or a Mac, nor any iDevice of any kind! she drives a car she's paid off, and wears "pre owned" clothing from eBay and thrift stores!), my sense of how abundantly blessed I am is almost embarrassing when I allow myself any perspective at all. I pay my bills. I am down to almost no remaining credit debt, and hope to be able to pay it off 100% within two months from now. I am more than adequately entertained, and materially - even with a couple leaky faucets and floors I dream of having beautifully refinished - is as comfortable as I could dare to ask for. And, apart from my privilege and education - nobody gave this to me but my blessed ancestry and myself. The autonomy both resulting in *and* resulting *from* what has been given me is never, ever lost on me. I am grateful for this perhaps above all other blessings not tied up in the people I love. And the people I love are deeply entwined with these gifts.
This is the privilege I come from: that life is so sure to be rich in material and personal blessings, I can wish away the now until my mid-forties, pining away for the "next part" - that part which will be so comfortable, so good, so full of wealth "I can't wait" to get to it ...
This is both the rapture - and the trap - of being a white, middle-class American (of a certain age ... of a certain privilege).
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Wishing Life Away
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