The assignment was to write an intro to a short story, 100 words or fewer ("not 'LESS' - and if you don't know the difference, you should not be here" ... fantastic), providing the reader with a character, a setting, some kind of action, and a hook to lead in to more reading.
Here are my two drafts:
She ran from him at last, weeping. Childeric rolled onto his back, peering into the darkness, seeing more from memory than with light the long grain of the wooden roof. His bed was redolent of her. Of him. Of all the remembered women, girls. Those who had wept, and those who cried out with pleasure.
Still he could not sleep. Even with drink, even slaked with the release before the girl’s desertion.
And the night wore on.
When his eyes were creeping across the wood in morning light, Cholwig came to push the king back to the work of the day.
“Dominus, the men are angry with you.”
“One too many wives? Or one too many daughters?” Childeric drawled.
***
She ran from the king’s house, weeping. Cholwig stood in the stockade yard, watching the small building from the deep shadow within the wall. He waited only a couple of minutes, then went and knocked at the door.
“Your men are angry,” he said without emotion, but an unmistakable warning.
Childreric lay across the bed from which he’d just released the reluctant girl. “One too many wives?” he drawled, “Or one too many daughters?”
Cholwig fought his frustration with his king, with his lifelong companion. “It’s all the same. And they are weary enough to betray you.”
Childeric was curiously sluggish to the alarm. Yet he would have to leave, if he were to survive. The question was whether he cared to.
The feedback I received went along these lines:
- That (of course) introducing a rapist as the central character is a bit of a trick (as you who've been here before will know, that was born of this bit of musing).
- Tighten or focus the POV - my solution to this, oddly enough, was to remove the omniscient somewhat from Childeric, though he will remain the MC. When the MC is offputting, distance seemed a wise solution. This being only draft #2 - and this being only the first 100 words - this too may change.
- Provide a reason to care for Childeric ... I may not have done this, but I provided a conduit to him in Cholwig's eyes.
The work is nothing anyone would ordinarily ever see. It's draft, in no way fit for public consumption (even an appealing MC is still not presentable at this stage) - and a lesson in the profundity of editing. In a simple 100-word snipped the entire piece changed radically, even though the same story is being told. The action did not change whatsoever, though the timing was altered a little in version 2.
I'd be interested in any kind of comments these snippets might produce. Content, process, effectiveness, tangents - all are welcome in the comments. Please don't be shy!
3 comments:
Hi Diane,
Brave you, sharing. I would combine the two, as I like the description of the room, which helps establish the setting. I do think that looking through the servant/friend's eyes and his need to escape his own men make him both appalling and someone you might align with as a MC, as you want to see what the king will choose.
My two cents,
Elizabeth (of the infernal rototillers.)
Dearest Diane!
When I first read your drafts I had about 259 suggestions, but the majority of them concerned the continuation of the story. You should know that I'm somebody who makes the 2nd step before the 1st one. And sometimes when I read an interesting story/draft I ask myself how would I continue it. It's a good sign that your drafts have stimulated MY creativity...
Well, first things first. Let's concentrate on the drafts:
You already know that I prefer the 2nd one (=More room for Cholwig), though the 1st one has the better ending.
One important part of a draft (maybe THE most important part) is the last sentence. The reader has to keep his/her interest on the story, he/she has to have the desire to read more of it. I also agree with Elizabeth and her previous comment. Take the best parts of both drafts and try to combine them this way: take 60-70% of version two (setting/situation/Cholwig) and 30-40% of of version one (ending/some descriptions). Try an ending like this:
"... And they are weary enough to betray you." Childeric was curiously sluggish to the alarm. Yet he would have to leave, if he were to survive. The question was whether he cared to.
"By the way... One too many wives?" he drawled, "Or one too many daughters?"
What I meant was: I would love if the last sentence would be "Or one too many daughters?" (Brilliant! But it must be a "passing mention". Childeric doesn't care for the women/girls, he only cares for his a**.) I'm very sure that this third version of the draft will be great.
At the end of this short comment I will give you some thought-provoking impulses ("Denkanstoesse"):
Sure, a rapist shouldn't be the main character, but he can be a central character. It's the 5th century and everybody who is a woman and/or isn't aristocratical has a lower status than an animal. (Of course, I know (and like) the first two seasons of "Game of Thrones", I know a short story of George R.R. Martin, but I have never read the books of him. I can recommend the novels of the polish author Andrzej Sapkowski for inspirations, although I heard that the english translations are bad.)
Why should anybody care for Childeric? It would be too early to give you some advices about that. The realtionship between Cholwig and Childeric could be:
- Respect (In your case: "respect-like". F.e. Sam Vimes and Lord Vetinari (from Pratchetts Discworld novels) Vimes respect what Vetinari does for the community (and sometimes vice versa), but he doesn't respect him as a person.)
- True/false loyality (like Ned Stark and Robert Baratheon)
- Master and servant-friendship (Frodo and Sam. The "servant" knows his place in the universe and doesn't question the masters choices. Of course, that could only work (in your case) if there are some more important MCs or Cholwig "revolts" at the end...)
I hope that these lines could help you, maybe I gave some you some "foods for thought", maybe not. Just ask, if you don't understand some parts. Sometimes it's difficult to translate my infinite german wisdom into english rubbish...
All the best!
Frank H.
Guten tag, Frank - and thank you! Between you and Beth I have some work to do tomorrow in between queries and work on that ghost story I've been neglecting, and I am grateful.
I'd point out that, indeed, in the Frankish society, everyone had worth - and women in particular actually had a literal high value. As family was the central structure of the entire society, women during their fertile years held an exceptionally high wergild (man-price, the literal value of a life). This is why Childeric's behavior is enough to get him deposed in favor of the Roman, in the end, and only after he is married, to a very strong woman indeed, is he trusted to return during a time of high crisis (plague).
Cholwig has one scene in The Ax and the Vase and he is not presented as a villain there; his eventual entombment amid quite dizzying riches indicates to us not only the prosperity of his kingdom, but I have to believe reflects also a reformed esteem of a king who, after eight years' exile, was brought home to - and BY - his people. So there's got to be something there, and I've had no reason to think, based on research, that his only value lay in some practical asset such as his generalship (hardly as famous as his son's) or the like. His wealth being what it was, he must have had some talents and even the ability to control his impulses - not having spent the kingdom out of its treasury, and apparently having given up his habit of burning through its women ...
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