... on the pitch in the works.
The critique on the old pitch, which this is meant to addrss - Clovis isn't "in" this pitch, there's no sense of him and no immediacy. I think the SBC have me on the right track, but
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Clovis arrives!
-The sentence about his queen might be better without the 'becomes..for..of' construction--it adds up to passive.
-You may consider passion before power, as a way of reinforcing the aspirational C, as opposed to the entitled son of a chieftan; books about powerful guys exercising (or exorcising) passion have fabio on the cover, or did in the dim past of late antiquity.
-"His faith creates the standard" is too repetitive after "His queen's faith becomes...the standard..."
-The final sentence can be powerful, but only if readers are swept up in the lead-up to it. If anyone reads it multiple times, you may end up with the "no shit" reaction.
No sarcasm, and my critique is narrow rather than broad, but I hope it helps.
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